All These Little Things I've Done

I can honestly say that my time here in Korea has been quite informative. While I do believe that I have been relatively independent since graduating from high school, by the definition of independence that marks my generation, I have see now that I have learned what true independece is. Not only is it this sense of independence that I have come to discover, but also what it means to be an adult. Turning twenty-five this year, while I still admit is quite young, made me feel much more accountable for my actions and my future. This past birthday like no other I can honestly say I felt older.

Many of the decisions in my life up until this point have been relatively simple. This is not to say they were minor or easy but easy by comparison to many of the tough situations I was confronted with in Korea--learning true financial independence and the value of the "buck" you earn and manage yourself, having to make decisions that could hurt others professionally because it is what is right for you professionally, and having to manage my life unlike I had to in college or during my first year of work as a teacher at Hagerty high school.

It has been tough for me here because for the first time I didn't have more money than I knew what to do with. I don't say this to gloat; what I mean is that for my lifestyle in the past, I have always had ample financial support whether from my own earnings or the support I received from my family during college (when playing two sports, there is no time for a job). There is, in Korea, always a bar to go, a beer to drink, a place to see. And having to employ discretion and budget money has become and intrical part of my time here and invaluable lesson learned. The foreigner lifestyle is a money pit. Consider the average twenty-something on the other side of the world from perceived responisiblity that is getting paid a decent wage with minimal work hours; that is an equation for reckless spending and frivolous living. I have fallen into these pitfalls while in Korea, but I know what it is like to scrounge for the last almond in the cupboard when I've spent too much. Also, while I have been here I have had to pay my college loans, pay off credit cards and deal with all of the horrible exchange rates and transfer fees. When having to do this, I had to be even more cautious about my financial situation. That being said, on to the more interesting topics.

I was confronted with the greatest conundrum of my young life in the past few weeks, quitting my job. This may not seem so bad considering all of the valid reasons mentioned in blogs past that my academy has given me to quit. The kicker is that the academy that I work at is about to go under. Their money is dwindling because of their poor business practices and lack of professionalism. Is this my problem? No. However, my boss is an exceptionally kind man, in a social atmosphere. Unfortunately, he lacks any sparse amount of business accumen. He offers to take me to his home on holidays, he brings me food that his wife cooks for me, he openly acknowledges how much he enjoys me at the academy; he is sweet, sincere, and endearing, but he can never follow through in his business. He doesn't discipline the kids, was very deceptive about my vacation time, did not allow me sick days, and did not follow through on contractual agreements that would given me a great advantage in the classroom (I know how this must read as contrary to what I just said about his character but have you ever met someone you just couldn't condemn, that you always end up forgiving?)

The problem? Another teacher who was offered a better job recently quit as well. He told me Mr. Koo (goo) was at the point of tears. He is a family man and supports them on his money from the academies. He recently told me his wife yells at him all the time because of the business problems. The decision got tough for me when I considered that I could stay just four more months and finish my contract and the academy would probably survive the winter; however, it now seems that the academy will go out of business before Christmas. This hurt me quite a bit because I know what it will mean for his family (I teach two of his daughters as well), I know what it means for the other teachers, and all of the students, the cherished few, that truly enjoy their time at the academy. What would it cost me to prevent this--four short months. I even went in a week after quitting to tell him I would stay but guess what happened. I go in and there is trash from kids all over my classroom and in my first class I had to argue with a student for ten minutes, literally, to get them to read. And when I asked for help controlling the student, there wasn't any.

How did I eventually keep my resolve to quit? I thought to myself how my four months would only delay the inevitable for four more months. I realized that I was vain to think that I was the solution to the problem when I realized that I had no part in the problem to begin with. I feel these words don't accurately portray the guilt I felt initially or the emotions I was dealing with, but believe me when I say it was so.

In all my life, as I have said before, the right path was easy to see. I graduated from high school and had a chance to go to college and play sports, easy. I graduated from college and knew I wanted to teach. The day of graduation a new high school in Oviedo called me and offered me an American Literature position, easy. I didn't like teaching and always had a secret desire to join the military, easy. But ever since being injured and going through the whole OCS debaucle not everything has been so clear. I do know that upon arriving back in the states I will go back to the military, but I still am struck with this nearly two-year old sense of uncertainty and restlessness. I feel that it is probably because I never had many bumps in the road until OCS and didn't know how to deal with it, although I am beginning to learn and understand how natural the bumps in the road are in adult life.

As for the restlessness, I was talking to my cousin Myka yesterday, and she said something to me that struck a chord. We were talking, and she said to me, "Where are you again?" While innocent words to her, I felt them on a different level. I thought to myself, "WHERE am I?" I am tired of moving around. I am tired of feeling restless. I am nervous to settle down only to find how much I want to be on the move again. I moved back and forth from house to house in high school, back and forth from college to home but mostly at college, was at home for a while before going to OCS, then back to Orlando for a short stint before hitting the road to Korea. I am tired of running around and a little worried that this will be the lifestyle that defines my twenties and early-thirties. It is coming to feel like an impersonal lifestyle of moving from network to network with no sense of belonging or community.

I reflect on this a lot and often it gets me down, but I realize that this is no new problem; this is an issue wrestled by every young man and woman today. For some it comes easier than others, but most deal with this I believe.

In the end I have found that I am sound in my decision making and that decisions in the business world must be made with your best interests in mind. Of course there is time to show compassion , which I know I can do, but the hard part of life is knowing when this time is. When is it time to act selflessly? That lesson I have yet to learn. I want to reiterate that I am capable of being compassionate in my personal and social life, but I believe there is little, which is to say there is limited, time for it in the world of business. It is sad but true. Don't believe me? Watch Wall Street or take a lesson from AIG, Goldman Sachs, or the Lehman Brothers. Money is not a toy; you have to take care of yourself because no one else will! While you yourself may be compassionate, many others are not.

As my since of restlessness still remains, and I do not feel content yet, then I cannot offer a lesson learned. This unfortunately is a period in life where no lesson can be taken until the chapter has been completed. I guess that is the tragedy of life, we can only live progressively or in retrospect. All I can do is to wake up each day anew and try to live progressively because regret isn't practical.

I will leave you with my favorite quote by Tennyson from his poem Ulysses

"...And drunk delight of battle with my peers;
far on the ringing plains of Troy.
I am a part of all that I have met;
Yet all experience is an arch wherethrough
Gleams that untravelled world, whose margin fades
For ever and for ever when I move.
How dull it is to pause, to make an end,
To rust unburnished, not to shine in use!
As though to breathe were life, Life piled on life
Were all to little, and of one to me
Little remains: but every hour is saved
From that eternal silence, something more,
A bringer of new things; and vile it were
For some three suns to store and hoard myself,
And this grey spirit yearning in desire
To follow knowledge like a sinking star,
Beyond the utmost bound of human thought."